Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
