I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
