She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
