did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
