If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
