dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
