Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
