If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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