I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I lost the right to judge tonight
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
