I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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