She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
