I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
