mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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