At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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