Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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