I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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