I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
