Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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