i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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