I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
