The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
