Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
being pregnant is like rehab
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
