So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
