FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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