I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
