new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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