also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
