just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
