apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Randomize
