Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
