Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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