I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
