dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
