Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
