Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
operation have a gay friend backfired
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Randomize
