Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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