Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
