Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Randomize
