sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
