Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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