Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
