I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
