last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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