this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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