Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
