I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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