Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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