It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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