4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
My brain says no but my pants say off.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
