I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
