my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
When are your genitals available?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
